August 22, 2026
Don't Judge, Be Curious
An essay on the friction between intent and reception when people say things.
3 min read
The lesson
One of my favorite moments from the Apple TV show, Ted Lasso, was the dart scene where Ted teaches Rupert, the ex-husband of the current team owner (and former team owner himself), a lesson in humility. As Ted explains that throughout his entire life people have bullied and underestimated him, he shares a life lesson he learned from 19th century American poet Walt Whitman:
Be curious, not judgmental.
Be curious
Ted goes on to share that if the people who underestimated him, such as Rupert, would have just been curious and asked him questions, he would have shared things like that he was an expert darts player. He then proceeds to score a bullseye to win a large bet he made with Rupert.
Even though this line can’t be factually attributed to Walt Whitman, the point it leaves is still poignant. Making assumptions about a person or event leaves us with an inaccurate picture. Judging replaces facts that we could learn with our own biases and misconceptions.
Intent
As kids we were told that we should learn to consider the intent of a person we are interacting with. As if learning of their intent might shed some light on the true meaning behind their actions or words.
When I was beginning to learn the art of managing people in my career, I happened upon an article about New York Yankee coach Joe Torres and how his management style in the dugout could lend itself to business management.
The most impactful message from the article was Torres saying something to the effect of ‘I’m more interested in why someone says what they say than what it is that they actually say’.
Yes, words mean things and sometimes we can get tangled up with hurtful words that someone shares. To Torres, it was more interesting to understand what motivated the individual. What was in the environment that made the sender of the message take the path that they chose?
This insight and behavior to consider the intent that someone possesses is certainly helpful. It can provide the person on the receiving end with additional information and many times, it can soften the blow of harsh, mean and hurtful words or actions.
Intent is not enough
But I’ve often thought that while helpful, it was incomplete. It places the responsibility for being thoughtful and emotionally intelligent squarely on the shoulders of the recipient. It absolves the sender of the message of any responsibility. They deliver what they want with impunity, with disregard for the outcome of their actions.
This might be why we were also taught that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The reality is that intentions are not enough. The originator should also be responsible to consider how their words or actions might be recieved or land with the recipient…before they deliver what they want. They should put some thought into what they intend to do.
The other side
In the end, communication is a two way street. As occupants of the street, both the sender and the receiver must be aware and considerate of the other. I chose considerate on purpose. I mean that both parties should consider the other side, not that they should be pleasant, which they should be. We need a world in which we consider do these words really need to be delivered in this way, in addition to questioning what it was that caused the sender to share what they shared.