August 5, 2026
You Can't Go Home Again
An essay about a recent experience that affirmed that, metaphorically, one can't go back home.
6 min read
Going Back
I recently traveled back to the area of the country where I previously lived for 30 years. I raised my kids into adulthood, created many friendships and experienced some of the best and most difficult days of my life during those 30 years. They were formative years. As my wife and I got off the plane we both said almost in unison, “Well, I guess we will see if its true…that you can never go back home”.
It was serendipitous that both of us recalled the essence of the quote from “Look Homeward, Angel” written by Thomas Wolfe - “You can’t go home again.”.
How we got here
We had began traveling about a decade earlier to major cities within the United States and internationally. We love the vibrancy of large cities and we enjoy the diversity of people, cultures and dining options. It was nearly the opposite of where we were living at the time. Large urban environments just spoke to us, calling us to become a part of a larger social fabric. We felt at home in major cities and most often we felt at home with a younger crowd. Their energy is infectous to my wife and I. And in between, Covid struck.
After the world resurfaced from Covid, my wife and I realized that we had changed and one of the lessons we learned was not to wait to make changes. If you waited, nature may find a way to take the opportunity away from you.
About 18 months ago, my wife and I chose to move to the East Coast to be close to one of our kids and their family. They had our only grandchild and had moved east for a job opportunity. Both my wife and I worked from home so it didn’t matter where home was. We sold most of our possessions (we called it doing our Swedish Death Cleaning) and moved to the East Coast to live in a city of 1.6 million people.
Unbeknown to us at the time, this decision was a blessing of infinite proportions. A short time after we moved, a family member experienced a health crisis and our proximity to them has been immeasurable to both of us.
Returning
The reflection began as soon as the airplane’s tires hit the ground in our former hometown. We were a little apprehensive as we picked up our bags and met some friends who agreed to pick us up at the airport. Thankfully, we slid right back into where we had been 18 months previous. Our apprehension wasn’t warranted, initially.
Evolution
The Greek philosopher Heraclitus (500 BC) is credited with once saying,
‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.’
Change is the only constant in the world and both the environment and the person are in a continual state of flux. Heraclitus’s wisdom influenced Socratic thinking with Socrates exclaiming that
“an unexamined life is not worth living”
and
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”
The wisdom of these thinkers is piognant as it was in this small town that I walked away from my religous beliefs to embrace the Socratic philosophy. I was the embodiment of what these thinkers were describing.
I think Heraclitus hit it on the head by pointing out that each of us are changing whether we recognize it or not. Not just ourselves, but the world around us is not the same from one moment to the next. While some would want this not to be the case, we are not able to change this fact. I think at best what some people do is to kid themselves that they are not any different than they were 2, 5, or 20 years ago by maintaining consistent habits or rituals. This is a fool’s game as nature is constantly evolving around them; the river is never twice the same.
The river runs through it
We found it easy to slip in right where we left off with most of our friends. Even so, life shared an experience to teach us that the river isn’t the same river twice.
There were relationships in which others couldn’t appreciate why it was important for us to be where we are currently living. One group, honestly, seemed offended by us moving away.
It’s not a zero sum game where decisions we make for ourselves are a referendum on the choices others are making. The small town is where they are meant to be. It is just not where we want to be, or where we are needed these days.
They want things to return to the constant that they used to be; with my wife and I living back in the small town, living lives that no longer exist.
What’s interesting is the failure to recognize my wife and I were never the same people after they met us for the first time 20 years earlier. While our presence and routines might have stayed the same, we as individuals had been constantly evolving. The river and the individuals were changing.
Headed Home
As we left on the plane, I went through my music library to settle in for the trip. I love me some Don Henley and I found myself listening to The Boys of Summer off the Building the Perfect Beast album. Don spoke directly to me as the last verse began with:
“Out on the road today, I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said, “Don’t look back, you can never look back”
It saddened us to have people criticize the city we choose to live in and the choices we are making. They saw our decisions through their own eyes, which is a completely inappropriate perspective for the situation. We aren’t asking them to uproot themselves and become city dwellers. We aren’t even asking them to like our choices. We are simply asking them to accept that our decisions are the right ones for us, and us alone. Where they are is where they are meant to be.
It just isn’t where my wife and I are meant to be any longer.